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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
You should really copy that into this thread, for posterity.
Good idea. Here it is:


The ad reads:

WATERPROOF CYCLING JACKET / INVISIBILITY CLOAK


Like all good waterproof Day-Glo cycling jackets, this will allow you to simmer in your own sweat on your commute to work and enable you to look like a complete pr1ck when you have to wear it around town in your lunch hour.

But what really makes this jacket stand out are its powers of invisibility. Slip it on, get on your bike and you completely disappear. It has to be seen to be believed.

Only this evening, in stationary traffic, I was able to topple onto a car and bang my fist repeatedly on the bonnet before the driver realised there was a presence RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Even when I shouted she was not able to look upon me – for I was in the mighty invisibility cloak!

The magic moments didn’t end there. Minutes later, riding through Moss Side, a young chap pulled in and opened his car door right in front of me. Bless. My disembodied shouting must have spooked the poor boy, because he and his friend then began hurling random abuse in my general direction, grabbing their crotches (their own not each others’) and waving their arms about in a gun shootin’ stylee. Now, I’m not sure if the jacket’s special powers include bullet proofability. But that worked out well, because as they got back in the car I got the chance to do an impromptu MAX Heart Rate test – big numbers. Cool.

Finally, I put the jacket / invisibility cloak through its paces by smiling at several pretty girls as I cycled past. Nothing. They looked straight through me. Incredible.


IMPORTANT:

If you are thinking of bidding on this cycling jacket / invisibility cloak because you’re a Harry Potter fan, it won’t fit. Because it is an ADULT size. And Harry Potter is for children.
 

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Great ad
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Need to get the Q/A too.
Q & A as of this morning. There's some good ones in there!

Q: I think my 1,100 cc large black motorcycle must have been treated with the same material as this jacket as when travelling on it on the road I would experience similar to you. However while walking through town centres in my leathers people would get our of the way and youths definitely did not abuse me, ergo it was something applied to the bike. Do you think that this jacket combined with the bike would make me invisible to GATSO's? Thanks

A: Dear Mr Ribarnett I’m assuming you’re a Mr, as that motorcycle of yours is very large. If, however, you’re a Ms Ribarnett – walking around town in your leathers, scaring locals, then straddling that beast of a machine and ripping past them GATOs in a, quite frankly, ‘breezy’ manner – then that would super. And it would be wrong to sell you any garments of invisibility.


Q: I live in Holland, will this jacket work on the right hand side of the road, or has it only be tested on the left-hand side?

A: Gosh- hurricane-higgy You learn something new every day. I thought Holland was too flat to have sides of the road. I feel a bit empty now. Please tell me you live in windmill. Please.


Q: Thanks for your answer. I'm also bidding on a detachable mudgard of invincibility and a resurrection rear-view convex mirror, both of which finish before this auction. If I don't win either of these, then I really don't want to see this jacket go. Would you consider withdrawing the item from the auction and selling it to me.

A: Hi - in_the_batter The short answer is, I can only speak from experience, but, them detachable mudgard’s of invincibility are sh1t. My mate Adam had one and he got this really nasty cold that lasted for ages – it was ibuprofen and rest that got rid of it in the end, not the mudguard. I’ve heard them resurrection rear-view convex mirrors are ok though. But attaching any mirror on a bike always makes one look like some sort of simpleton sex-pest of course. I’m afraid I daren’t withdraw the item from auction in case it goes against some magic code and when I’m next going to buy a newspaper a piano falls on me – or I simply get run over. Take Care.


Q: If this works and I was a successful bidder, how would I know when it had arrived?

A: Well, Asorim 1 You know in Star Wars when the voice of Obi Wan tells Luke to put that thing down and use the force? It might be exactly like that. Exciting times no?


Q: "It has to be seen to be believed." Hello there, As a keen cyclist and pedantic reader, can I clarify that it is actually the case that the jacket has to be not seen to be believed? My concern on bidding is that I may win the jacket (quite likely, I am a grade A++++++ eBayer), but upon opening the packaging I may believe there to be no content and inadvertently throw the jacket away! It simply is not practical for me to save all of the empty parcels I receive each day, on the off chance that one of they may contain this item. Do you have a good idea as to how we can get around this issue? Perhaps I can borrow the special lens you had on your camera when you successfully photographed the item? I look forward to your reply. Kind regards, James

A: James The short answer is, ‘you pedantic git’. But a good point, nonetheless. As a keen reader and pedantic cyclist I appreciate your concerns. My advice would be to try and cut back from ordering ‘all of the other empty parcels’ each day, until the waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloak appears. I’m afraid no special lenses were used in the photographing of the waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloak. And no elves or anything like that were harmed in the slightest.


Q: Hi - are you sure this works as I've never seen anyone wearing one?

A: Dear Cbrownxyz The short answer is (and I expect you know what I’m going to say), eBay isn’t the place for proselytizing. But I bet Arch bishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams has never seen God, and he doesn’t doubt the ‘powers vested in him’*** And Dr Rowan is a Dr so he’s certainly more brainy than me, or you. Unless of course, it’s DR cbrownxyz – in which case I take it all back. ***actually I may be getting God mixed up with He Man.


Q: Sorry to pester you again but I was wondering if you'd be interesting in a part exchange. I have a magical rear light that shines so bright you can see it from the Great Wall Of China, except if your a chav in a Corsa/Saxo/Polo. In their case it acts as a tractor beam and quickly draws them onto your back wheel quicker than Mark Cavandish moaning about a dodgy sprint finish. I await your reply, no rush as I'm still trying to remove a Saxo front bumper from my rear derailleur as we speak. ps Mrs Antloony sends her regards, she's a bit under the weather as her farmer giles are playing up again.

A: Hello again antloony The short answer is.. Fvck me I think I quite like the idea of a light that can be seen from the Great Wall of China. FVCK. How does it cut through all that land mass, the earth’s curve, and the squillions of Chinese people who must be in the way? Guess that’s magic for you hey? I’m also taken with the idea of tractor beaming young hoodlums. Do you think your light’s ‘force’ could pick them up and transport them somewhere useful, reformative and spiritually nourishing: one minute they’re mowing you down, the next minute they are weeding an elderly vicar’s garden – that sort of thing. Wishing Mrs Antloony a super-speedy recovery.


Q: Hi, Is the jacket's invisibility capability i's first or a secondary function to the water repellant facility. and does it render the invisibilty useless once the headlights shine upon the hi-vizibility strips or do they alone light up thus giving the appearenc of ghostly mini u.f.o's. does the jacket giving cloaking capabilities and therefore hide both rider and bike I am also curious to know if you have the trousers to match and if so are you open to offers as the whole ensamble along with it's waterproofing could give me the ability to swim underwater un-seen. p.s. what size is "adult" Thankyou

A: Dave. Good questions. Of course the short answer is, I’m not really sure if the waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloak has function hierarchy – it’s something I haven’t given much thought to. And that makes me think that it probably hasn’t. Because I can honestly say that I have never retuned home from an invisible ride and thought ‘arse I’m soaked, the invisibility feature must have negated the water repellency'. Though thinking about it now.. maybe the rain didn’t hit the jacket because it was invisible… ****. Now I’ve gone and opened up a right old can of solipsistic worms haven’t I? Really sorry about that.


Q: Would you claim that this jacket is unique - hence the hefty starting price? I'm not sure if I haven't had the the experience of not seeing one of these before. If I purchased it and didn't see someone wearing one, would you give me a refund?

A: Hi - in_the_batter Sorry, the waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloak is sold as seen.


Q: Hi. I was thinking about purchasing the invisibility cloak for shoplifting purposes. Do all items become invisible when placed inside it's magical field? I fear I maybe uncovered if a four pack of Diamond White and a copy of 'Big Juggs' go floating past my local shopkeeper.

A: Sorry Lydfordjohn, I would not want the waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloak used for evil. And what you’re proposing sounds pretty low. Maybe you should consider using its magical powers for something more respectable – like Strongbow and Fiesta.


Q: Hi, can the jacket be retro fitted with an on/off device? As a totally sh*te bike racer my plan is to go like buggery at the start in the "off" mode and look great, then switch "on" at the end so as not to appear a dickhead coming last as usual.

A: Well, Manxman, the short answer is, you know I’m not really sure and to be honest it’s not something I have given much thought to either so I really wouldn’t like to say either way – but I do know meddling with magic can end in really bad things. So I wouldn’t advise dabbling with something we don’t understand. Unless you are wizard, in which case go for it. As a sh*te bike racer you can probably get away with stuffing the jacket in your jersey pocket; along with emergency Ginsters, 3 badly wrapped inner tubes, an OS map, and framed photo / contact number of Mrs Manxman (or a ‘special wizard friend’). Then, when you’re ready to blow, sit up and bob the waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloak on – whilst still riding. As well doing the whole invisibility thing, you’ll get to show off some ‘riding non-handed’ skills. And riding non-handed is the coolest thing you can do on a bike. Except for riding non-handed while smoking a ***.


Q: hi,any chance of a picture so we can see what we're (not) looking at? thanks

A: Sure, nas987654. Here’s a picture of me, waterproof cycling jacket / invisibility cloaked up, leading out the Queen’s mini bus at that big do the other week. I’ve photoshopped out all the background, so you cannot see the item in full effect.


Q: Hi I am a Crystal Palace supporter for my sins. I wonder whether you sold more of these cloaks last autumn in the Croydon area as the Palace defence has been invisible for much of the season? If so can I bulk buy as I would like to give them as Christmas presents to a number of people I would like to turn invisible, such as my ex and her flash 4x4. Thanks Fritter

A: Hello Mr Fritter Sorry to hear about your Crystal Palace thing. I’m afraid the short answer is, I can’t sell you any items in bulk as I am not a dealer of magical products - though I did sell a puppy once that had a funny wandering eye, that I suspected may have been evil. Well, when I say ‘sell’, I mean left on the hard shoulder of the M6 - Junction 15. He’s probably in Stoke now. Which I think is for the best. Say hi to Ex Mrs Fritter for me.


Q: Does invisibility only occur when riding a bike, I ask this as I'm looking for a way of sneaking in past the battle axe when I've had 3 to many at my local. If this is the case and I have to be on a bike is drinking and riding an offence? Also will she have to be in the car for it to activate the invisibility mode of the jacket, if this is the case then forget it as she's a woman and therefore can't be trusted behind the wheel except for picking me up when I'm so drunk I cant see my shoes let alone find my way home.

A: Hi ‘antloony’ Gosh. Well, the short answer is; when I used to wear the jacket walking around Manchester at lunchtime, local children would laugh at me and call me a cvnt. And once one of them asked me for a pound. Her actual words were, ‘Oi you Day-Glow tw4t give me a quid or I’ll kick your fvcking luminous head in’. I didn’t bother getting into the fact that my head wasn’t luminous, and just gave her the money. So, I’m pretty sure the jacket’s powers of invisibility only come into play when on two wheels. As for drinking and riding, I’m no legal expert but – if you use a Camelbak on the road (and wear a peaked helmet), or ride a ‘fixie’ with a beard, I think drinking and riding is fine. And should be encouraged. Give my regards to Mrs Antloony.


Q: Hi - when you turn invisible, do you weigh less? Or even nothing at all? I was wondering if it might help improve my climbing ability.

A: Hi Zerozeddy I’m afraid the short answer is, I’m not sure if the jacket also makes one weigh less (or weight free). I would not like to make any outrageous, far-fetched claims – the jacket is simply waterproof and has powers of invisibility. So, I’m afraid, it won’t improve your climbing per se. However, you can slip it on and use the powers of invisibility to knobble your rivals on the climb: just lean over and drop their chain off or something. It happened to Schleck on last year’s tour. Supernatural doping: UCI haven’t a clue it’s going on. If you’re really keen on weightlessness – ergo, the power of flight – you’ll probably need a waterproof cycling cape. In which case, a CTC member may be your best bet.
 

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‘Oi you Day-Glow tw4t give me a quid or I’ll kick your fvcking luminous head in’.
If I could only weave that into a conversation, my day would be complete.... maybe the weekly project status call this afternoon.
 

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^^^ x100

made my morning, thanks
 

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Hi..

just wanted to say thanks. Was me who was selling the invisibility cloak and i was trying to get hold of some of the Qs.. I never saved them. Thanks for posting them up.

Never did sell it you know

A
 

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jabster,

I wanted to thank you for that post on ebay, I feel as if I should ask you for an autograph. I showed it to my mates at the pub after our quidditch match the other day and we about split our belly with laughter. The team captain (not the brightest bulb) was keen on that light that can be seen from the Great Wall of China and was wondering if you ever did acquire it. I think he'd like to make you an offer if indeed you did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi..

just wanted to say thanks. Was me who was selling the invisibility cloak and i was trying to get hold of some of the Qs.. I never saved them. Thanks for posting them up.

Never did sell it you know

A
Welcome, Jabster! I hope you poke around here a bit. I'd love to read some more of your stuff! Great job, man!
 

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Two skinny J's
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So true !
 

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Happy you did. I missed this on the first round.
 

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Glad I got to see that, it was hilarious!
 

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Two "Slow" Spoke
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I would have missed this if not for the bump so thanks. Very funny!

Those crazy Brits and their humour :rolleyes:
 

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Now lets see how many serious bidders he gets. :eek:
 
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