Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by spencer, May 6, 2009.

  1. spencer

    spencer Guest

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    post your favorite funnies here.


    An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"

    The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
     
  2. trog

    trog New Member

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    Refund

    A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the bike she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on Special.
    Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started
    screaming,
    "RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES!"
    The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in
    front of a growing crowd of customers.
    The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
    She explained the problem with the bike, and he also told
    her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it
    on special.
    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air
    and screamed,
    "RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES!"
    And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
    In shock, the store manager pleads,
    "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
    In a huff, the woman says,
    "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
    MY NIPPLES RUBBED
    WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"
    The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly
    refunded!!:eek:
     

  3. riderman14

    riderman14 Guest

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    what did the Irishman do with his 1st 50 cent piece?? he married her!
     
  4. Grape Ape

    Grape Ape Younger than Hack Tavern Member

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    Little Suzie came home from school and told her mom that all the boys at school ask her to do cartwheels because she can do them best.

    Suzie's mom told her: Honey they are not asking you to do it because you do it the best. They are just wanting you to do it so they can see your panties.

    Little Suzie responded: I know that mom, that is why I hide my panties in my backpack so they can't see them.
     
  5. riderman14

    riderman14 Guest

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    whats the difference between God and lawyers? God dosent think HE's a lawyer!!
     
  6. Sean

    Sean New Member

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    What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?














    One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish.
     
  7. hophead

    hophead New Member Tavern Member

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    I'm Irish and my gf, her father, and my father are lawyers. Good thing I'm not easily offended.;)

    How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two--One to hold the light bulb one to get so drunk that the room spins.
     
  8. Grape Ape

    Grape Ape Younger than Hack Tavern Member

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    Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs?



    He doesn't want anyone knowing he is having sex with chickens.
     
  9. riderman14

    riderman14 Guest

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    hey,it's o.k.,i'm polish,so i can identify with the joke thing too!!we do take a beating to you know!! why did the FARMER cross the road? his dick was stuck in the chicken!
     
  10. BanTamStoWay

    BanTamStoWay Guest

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    Well, this was a great place to come to add some laughter into my day!
     
  11. Grape Ape

    Grape Ape Younger than Hack Tavern Member

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    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

    Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and then prayed for forgiveness.
     
  12. riderman14

    riderman14 Guest

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    a bear and a rabbit were squatting next to each other in the woods taking a crap.the bear looked down at the rabbit and politly asked him,"do you ever have trouble with sh...t sticking to your fur"? the rabbit looked up at his buddie the bear and said,"why no,i dont". so the bear looked down at his little friend, mumbled "good",and picked him up and wiped his ass with him!!!
     
  13. CTD50

    CTD50 DX's Biggest Member

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    Jed and Clem decided it was time to go have some fun in the sheep pasture; Clem picked out a good prospect, and started to 'go to work'. No sooner had he started than the sheep squealed, its tongue flying out of its mouth.

    Jed hollered, "Clem! Yer comin' out the other end!"

    Clem hollered back, "Then stick another sheep on!"

    (Also, from a friend in the svc:
    Why do they have Marines aboard Navy ships? Sheep are too obvious....)
     
  14. coco2

    coco2 Well-Known Member

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    A sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting in a mental institution bored out of there minds...

    How about having sex with a cat asked the zoophile.

    Lets have sex with the cat then torture it says the sadist.

    Lets have sex with the cat, torture it then kill it says the murderer.

    Lets have sex with the cat, torture it then kill it and then have sex with it again says the necrophile.

    Lets have sex with the cat, torture it then kill it and then have sex with it again then burn it says the pyromaniac.

    Silence took over...then everyone turned to the masochist and asked...So whats it going to be ???

    To which he replies "MEOW !"
     
  15. Gomez

    Gomez Member

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    A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

    Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

    "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

    Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
     
  16. Grape Ape

    Grape Ape Younger than Hack Tavern Member

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    4 types of Orgasms

    1. The Positive Orgasm

    "Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!"

    2. The Negative Orgasm

    "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

    3. The Religious Orgasm

    "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

    4. The Fake Orgasm

    "Oh hophead! Oh hophead! Oh Hophead!"
     
  17. crazystreet

    crazystreet Guest

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    i like to smell like a side gallon of gravy when i talk and sweat
     
  18. Biker

    Biker New Member

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    That's good stuff Grape Ape! What does that even mean Crazy Street?
     
  19. djcyberlegend

    djcyberlegend Group rookie

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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    The celebrity takes:

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

    JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken?

    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure...right from Day One...that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

    ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C%....Reboot.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The DEFINITIVE answer in the New England Area:

    To show the 'possum that it could be done. :D
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2009
    ctrohnmain likes this.
  20. djcyberlegend

    djcyberlegend Group rookie

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    What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

    A rooster clucks defiance...