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393K views 5K replies 117 participants last post by  Buffalo-jon 
Two guys are at a bar and one mentions to the other how he's dreading going home.

"How come?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I pull up to my house, turn off the headlights down the street, coast in the driveway with the engine off and tiptoe upstairs. I slide into bed quietly and as soon as I lay down my wife starts giving me sh!t about being out at the bar" the second guy replies.

First guy says "Well, you're going it all wrong. When you go home from the bar, skid into the driveway, honk your horn and slam your door. Open the front door of the house and slam it shut. Stomp your feet up the stairs and flop on the bed. Then start yelling at your wife demanding a BJ. I did that and my wife hasn't said a damn thing about me being at the bar; in fact she pretends to be asleep and ignores me. She never gives me a hard time about being at the bar anymore"
 
that's some funny stuff!


Okay so in a kindergarten class the teacher tells her students "I'm going to have an object hidden behind my back. I'll describe it and you have to guess what it is. Ready?"

The class eagerly nods.

The teacher than says "It's red, round, shiny, grows on a tree and you can eat it."

Michael raises his hand and asks "Is it an apple?"

The teacher replies in the affirmative.

Second object. The teacher says "These grow in bunches on trees and are green."

Jane raises her hand and asks "Is it a bunch of bananas?"

The teacher says "No, Jane it isn't. It is a bunch of grapes, but I like the way you think."

Johnny raises his hand and asks if he can have the teacher guess. The teacher agrees. Johnny puts his hand in his front pocket and says "Okay, teacher. It's round, hard, has a head and women love it."

The teacher flips out. "Johnny, that is absolutely disugsting! How dare you act like this in class!"

Johnny takes his hand out of his pocket as he shows the object and says "It's a quarter, teacher. But I LIKE the way YOU think."
 
A young couple, of a conservative Jewish persuasion are anticiptaing getting married, so they go to their rabbi for instruction. After the instruction, the young man addresses the rabbi: ‘Well, Rabbi, I know that in our sect, after the ceremony when there is music and dancing, it is customary for the men to dance with the men, and the women to dance with the women. But this, after all, the 21st century — a new, enlightened age — and I would like your permission to be able to dance with my wife.” The rabbi responds: “No, no, no! It is immodest for the man to dance with a woman.” Now the young man is concerned about what IS allowed after marriage. So he asks the rabbi, hesitantly, “Well, I suppose that after marriange is it okay have sex?” The rabbi quickly responds: “Of course! It is a mitzvah (a blessing). To have children.” The young man asks “Any position?” The rabbi responds: “You’re inferring that there is more than one? But never mind, it is between you and your wife.” The young man asks: “Woman on top?” The rabbis, with eyes widened, says: “This is an education for me; but, yes, it is between you and your wife!” The young man asks: “And can we do it in an airplane, in flight, in the lavatory, in order to join the “MILE-HIGH-CLUB”?” The rabbi answers: “I am learning so much from this, but, yes, it is between you and your wife. But make sure to close the door of the lavatory!” Then the young man asks: “And can we do it standing up?” “NO!” says the rabbi, “you may NOT doing it standing up!” “Why not?” says the young man. The rabbi says: “Because it could lead to dancing!”
 
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
 
A self-employed guy drives a pick-up truck and runs his own delivery service. As life on the road gets lonely, he has a parrot as a companion. One day he gets contracted to haul a load of chickens to the market for a farmer. The chickens are loaded up, and he's on his way, parrot on his shoulder.

Soon, he's sees a very attractive and buxom woman hitchiking on the side of the road. He stops his truck and as the woman gets in he says to her "Where ya headed?" The woman replies "About 15 miles down the road to the market." The man replies "Oh that's great me too! But, if you want a ride you have to scre- me first." Now, the man was rather repulsive, not having showered in a while as well as being, well, fugly. The woman replies "Absolutely not! I'd rather walk than have sex with you!" The guy pushes her out of the truck and screams "No f---, no ride!"

Soon, the parrot starts saying over and over again "No f---. no ride. No f---, no ride." The guy tells the parrot to stop but the parrot keeps going. The parrot is getting on his last nerve so the guy says "Look. Say it again and I'm throwing you in the back of the truck with the chickens." The parrot looks at him, cocks his head to the side the way parrots do and promptly says "No f---, no ride." So the guy throws the parrot in the back with the chickens.

A few miles down the road, he sees a police car behind him with the lights on. The cop walks up to the door and before the cop says anything the guy starts apologizing for speeding as he is in a rush to make his delivery.

The cop says "Sir, you weren't speeding. I just wanted to let you know you have a parrot throwing chickens off the back of your truck screaming "No f---, no ride."
 
Guy goes to the beach and notices none of the women are paying attention to him, but they are swooning over a lifeguard.

The guy asks the lifeguard what his secret is.

The lifeguard replies "All you have to do is wear a tight speedo and put a potato in your bathing suit. That's it, works like a charm."

So the next day, the guy comes back to the beach with his speedo on with the potato in it.

And as he's strutting around, all he does is notice people laughing at him.

He approaches the lifeguard again and asks why it isn't working, all the women do is laugh at him.

The lifeguard replies "You put the potato in the front of your speedo!"
 
Two guys wash up on an island. They're wandering around and are captured by the native tribe. They are brought forth to the native's king.

The king looks at the first guy and says "Death or bulla-bulla?"

The guy thinks to himself "Well, I do not want to die, how bad can bulla-bulla be?"

The guy bravely answers "bulla-bulla."

The king nods and a bunch of warriors proceed to have relations with the guy's posterior.

The king looks at the second guy and says "Death or bulla-bulla?"

The second guy decides there's no way he's going to endure the rumpwrangling and says defiantly "Death."

The king nods and declares "Death by bulla-bulla!"
 
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