A guy joins the foreign legion, when he show up, the commadant tells him all of the ins and outs of the operation, and finishes with " if you have any urges you can go up to that barrel on any day but friday and put your manhood in that knot hole and all will be taken care of. He says fine but I'm all set there. after a few lonely months go by he approaches the commadant and says " what's the deal on that barrel?" to which the commadant replies well on any day but friday you can get all of your urges taken care of by using the knot hole in the barrel. the soldier replies with " why on any other day but friday? the commadant says "well friday's your turn in the barrel."
Joke Thread
post your favorite funnies here.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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oh no bad humor (I love it)
A duck walks into the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill".
A duck walks into the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill".
Ok one more
A man from the city, moves to the country. His farmer neighbor visits one day and invites him to a party that night. The farmer says "I gotta warn you there is going to be a lot of drinking there." The man replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with my friends after work." The farmer then says, I gotta warn you, there may be fighting too. The man replies, "That's O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well." The farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there is a lot of sex." The man says enthusiastically, "That's O.K." The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin. As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should I wear?" The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's just going to be the two of us."
A man from the city, moves to the country. His farmer neighbor visits one day and invites him to a party that night. The farmer says "I gotta warn you there is going to be a lot of drinking there." The man replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with my friends after work." The farmer then says, I gotta warn you, there may be fighting too. The man replies, "That's O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well." The farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there is a lot of sex." The man says enthusiastically, "That's O.K." The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin. As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should I wear?" The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's just going to be the two of us."
Honest last one today
A woman is laying naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there,a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter! ""
A woman is laying naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there,a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter! ""
Must Be Tomorrow
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
Willis turned then looked back and said
"Under the cart!"
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
Willis turned then looked back and said
"Under the cart!"
3 a day
A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says: "What's that noise?"
A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says: "What's that noise?"
that's all for today folks!
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up
your things! I just won the lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as
you're out of the house by noon!"
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up
your things! I just won the lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as
you're out of the house by noon!"
OK one more, cuz you were good
Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation,
only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii,
I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation,
only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii,
I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers
again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers
again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
oh no........
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
Stolen from somewhere!
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
new twist old joke
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
hope this is not a repeat
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
food for thought
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
last one
I wasn't going to post anymore for a while but then my mom sent me this joke and I couldn't resist................
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
I wasn't going to post anymore for a while but then my mom sent me this joke and I couldn't resist................
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Lester and Billy bob were in lester's pool when billy bob
said. Lester you are dumb D-U-M-B dumb! lester says "well at least I don't spell dum with a b dum ain't got no B in it" Billy bob said sure it does lester it's a silent letter, just like the P in swimming
said. Lester you are dumb D-U-M-B dumb! lester says "well at least I don't spell dum with a b dum ain't got no B in it" Billy bob said sure it does lester it's a silent letter, just like the P in swimming
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
at the Birthing class:
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a man named Jon at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes," said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a man named Jon at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes," said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them Poop in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird Poop"
"It was my first day with the hook."
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them Poop in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird Poop"
"It was my first day with the hook."
Truly coco you are twisted. But I LOVE IT!!!!A boy is taking a girl to prom. He goes to the suit hire shop but there's a long line so he has to wait before he can hire his tux. The same thing happens at the florist, there's a long line so he has to wait to buy some roses. Finally he visits the limo hire place and there's another long line, so once again he patiently waits to hire his car.
That evening him and his date are dancing, she complains of being thirsty and wants a drink so he goes over to the punch and there's no punchline
1 - 20 of 4887 Posts
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