[MilesR]

Recent studies have shown that women who are slightly overweight live longer than me who point it out.

 

[MilesR]

Four cowboys are sitting at a table in a saloon in the old west. One of the cowboys gets up and walks to the bar. He bets the bartender $10 he can bite his right eye. The bartender agrees. The cowboy takes the glass eye out of the socket and bites it. After putting they glass eye back in the socket he offers to bet the bartender $10 he can bite his left I. The bartender figures he walked up here so he can't have 2 glass eyes and agrees to the bet. The cowboy reaches in his mouth and takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye. They bartender isn't happy. Now the cowboy offers the bartender a chance to win his money back and an additional $30.00. The bet is the bartender put a shot glass at the end of the bar and the cowboy will spit into the shot glass. The bartender estimates the distance to be 12 feet and accepts the bet. The cowboy winds up and spits and it travels 18 inches and lands on the bar. The bartender is happy to win his money back and an additional $30 and is smiling while wiping up the spit. He looks at the cowboy and sees him smiling. He asks the cowboy how he can be happy after losing $30. The cowboy tells the bartender to look at the table where he had been sitting. He tells the bartender he bet the 3 guys at the table $50 each he could spit on the bar and get the bartender to smile while wiping it up.

 

[MilesR]

"Is it in?" asked the man.
"Almost" answered the woman.
"Does it hurt?" asked the man.
"Uh-huh," answered the woman.
"Let me put it in slowly," the man suggested.
"It still hurts," she said.
"Okay," the man said, "let's try a bigger shoe size."

 

[MilesR]

The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T'shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned
to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what
was that about..."
She replied,
"The egg timer is broken."

 

[MilesR]

First Woman in Space

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

 

[MilesR]

[/IMG]
You have to tell me what you want me to do in three words.

The woman reaches in her purse and pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the gentleman, whispers into his ear "Clean my house".

 

[MilesR]

A husband and wife are playing golf. The husband hits his tee shot into the woods. The wife hits her tee shot into the rough on the other side of the fairway. The wife is first to locate her golf ball. It is lying in a patch of buttercups. She takes a big swing hitting the ball and destroying the patch of buttercups. In a flash of smoke Mother Nature appears. She tells the woman she is very upset that the woman would destroy something that Mother Nature had worked so hare to create. As punishment the woman would never be able to eat anything with butter. After Mother Nature disappeared the woman called out to her husband asking if he had found his golf ball. He replied it was in a patch of *****willows. The woman yells back "Don't swing, don't swing"!

 

[MilesR]

I was edited by the site. :hate:

 

[MilesR]

My dad asked me what I was going to do today. I said nothing. He said I thought you did that yesterday. I said I didn't finishe.

 

[MilesR]

A pair of seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff, were flying along Interstate 5. Gertrude says "There sure are a lot of sports car these days". Heathcliff replies "I haven't spotted one yet".

 

[MilesR]

Did you hear about the Siamese twin elephants joined at the trunk? When one sneezed it blew the other's brains out.

 

[MilesR]

 

[MilesR]

 

[MilesR]

A motorist on his first visit to traffic court grumbled as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his fine. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.

"Keep it," the clerk replied. "When you get four, you get a bicycle."

 

[MilesR]

 

[MilesR]

 

[MilesR]

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who point it out.

 

[MilesR]

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:_______________________

Stage Name:__________________

Agent:________________________

Attorney:_______________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly male ___Formerly Female ___Both

If Female, indicate breast implant size:_______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle? ___No ___Yes

Please list brand of cell phone: ______________________

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain: _________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying makeup
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ]Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving ______

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch you car on the
news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call everyone you know
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] Prozac
[ ] Zovirax
[ ] Lithium
[ ] Zanax
[ ] Valium
[ ] Zoloft
If none, please explain _______________________________

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week _______

Length of daily commute
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] 3 hours
[ ] 4 hours or more

If stopped by police, you should
[ ] Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
[ ] Try to outrun them and the news helicopters
[ ] Have your video camera ready, provoke an attack, and thus ensure yourself a
hefty lawsuit

 

[MilesR]

At least 107 languages.

 

[MilesR]

't

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.