Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by spencer, May 6, 2009.

  1. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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    Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
    I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my coffee, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
    I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
    In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
    The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up buttercup! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
    The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”
    We will survive!!
     
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  2. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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    So we're into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh But there's a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

    1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

    2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

    3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

    4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

    5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

    6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

    7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.

    8. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

    9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.

    10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

    11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

    12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

    13. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
     
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  3. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  4. Buffalo-jon

    Buffalo-jon Well-Known Member Tavern Member

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    "I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up girls' skirts today," I told the bartender after my second whiskey.

    "That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

    "Not on eBay it isn't!"
     
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  5. Dos_Ruedas

    Dos_Ruedas Well-Known Member

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  6. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  7. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  8. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  9. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  10. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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    Beer lied!
    trust me.png
     
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  11. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  12. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  13. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  14. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  15. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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    "A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

    The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you’ll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

    "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . .
     
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  16. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  17. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  18. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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  19. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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    Field trips have changed since I was in school...
    permission slip.jpg
     
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  20. MilesR

    MilesR Mom's Taxi Tavern Member

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