An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”
He then began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
an elderly Italian man went to his local bank. He tells a bank officer he needs to borrow some money. He is told that to borrow money, he needs to talk to the loan arranger, but that official won't be in until tomorrow. The old man think's for a minute then asks, "Well, then, can I speaka to Tonto?
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