CHRISTMAS TIP:
Wrap empty boxes for presents and when your child misbehaves or doesn't listen, throw one in the fire.
Wrap empty boxes for presents and when your child misbehaves or doesn't listen, throw one in the fire.
Joke Thread
post your favorite funnies here.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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A priest decided to do something a little different.*
*He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.** Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to your mind --*
*the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'*
*Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,*
*'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'*
*The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began*
* to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'*
*The pastor said 'POWER.'*
*The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.*
*The Pastor said 'SEX'*
*The congregation fell into total silence.*
* Everyone was in shock. *
*They all nervously began to look around at each other* *afraid to say
anything.*
*Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing**'MEMORIES.'*
*Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.*
*He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.** Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to your mind --*
*the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'*
*Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,*
*'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'*
*The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began*
* to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'*
*The pastor said 'POWER.'*
*The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.*
*The Pastor said 'SEX'*
*The congregation fell into total silence.*
* Everyone was in shock. *
*They all nervously began to look around at each other* *afraid to say
anything.*
*Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing**'MEMORIES.'*
*Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.*
The next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly "You can see me?"
Juan rides his bicycle to the border between Mexico and the United States with two large bags. The border guard asks him what is in the bags. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike". The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later the same thing happens. The guard asks "What's in the bags?" "Sand", says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey buddy," says the guard. "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A week later the same thing happens. The guard asks "What's in the bags?" "Sand", says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey buddy," says the guard. "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
I live in CONSTANT FEAR of INS deporting my ex-mother-in-law who over stayed her student visa decades ago.
She lives at 10110 141st Ave., Chicoha, CA and drives an old yellow Volvo station wagon with personalized plate GETTINOVER. Gets off work at 6PM and pulls in driveway by 6:15PM.
She lives at 10110 141st Ave., Chicoha, CA and drives an old yellow Volvo station wagon with personalized plate GETTINOVER. Gets off work at 6PM and pulls in driveway by 6:15PM.
21 - 40 of 4887 Posts
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