I asked a North Korean how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
Joke Thread
post your favorite funnies here.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Dyslexia cost me my job in IT.
Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'.
Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'.
Peyton Manning Killed in Car Crash
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St Peter says, sorry about that Mr Manning. We weren't expecting you quite so soon. But don't worry, we have a great place for you to live for eternity. This angel here will take you to your home.
The angel leads Peyton down the street to a shiny new double-wide manufactured home on a 1/8 acre plot. The foundation is solid, there's a nice poured concrete patio outdoors, the grass is well trimmed, and there's a Denver Broncos banner flying from the outdoor clothesline.
THUNK! THUNK! BREEEE! Peyton is startled; he turns to hear the bass guitar chords roaring from down the street. He sees a 6,000-sq foot granite and marble mansion on a 4-acre plot; fountains, statues, flower beds in front; tennis court and pool on the side of the 4-car garage with Bentleys and Rolls parked inside. On the other side, a sound stage, flanked by 50-foot tall banners proclaiming: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 4-TIME SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS. On the stage, a Dropkick Murphys tribute band is starting to bang out "Shipping Up to Boston."
Oh no! Peyton exclaims, was Tom Brady killed today too?? What happened to him?
Uh, no, that's God's house, says the angel.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St Peter says, sorry about that Mr Manning. We weren't expecting you quite so soon. But don't worry, we have a great place for you to live for eternity. This angel here will take you to your home.
The angel leads Peyton down the street to a shiny new double-wide manufactured home on a 1/8 acre plot. The foundation is solid, there's a nice poured concrete patio outdoors, the grass is well trimmed, and there's a Denver Broncos banner flying from the outdoor clothesline.
THUNK! THUNK! BREEEE! Peyton is startled; he turns to hear the bass guitar chords roaring from down the street. He sees a 6,000-sq foot granite and marble mansion on a 4-acre plot; fountains, statues, flower beds in front; tennis court and pool on the side of the 4-car garage with Bentleys and Rolls parked inside. On the other side, a sound stage, flanked by 50-foot tall banners proclaiming: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 4-TIME SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS. On the stage, a Dropkick Murphys tribute band is starting to bang out "Shipping Up to Boston."
Oh no! Peyton exclaims, was Tom Brady killed today too?? What happened to him?
Uh, no, that's God's house, says the angel.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds 2 fingers up and says 'five beers please mate'
Bought my wife a sheepskin burka. She's now walking around like
Mutton Dressed Islam.
Mutton Dressed Islam.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
Cop is in his usual speed trap spot. Spots a pickup going by with a bunch of penguins in the back. He decides he has to find out what that's all about.
Stops the truck and asks the guy if he knows there are a bunch of penguins in the bed of his truck. The guy says yeah I know but I don't know what to do with them.
Cop says to take them to the zoo, and lets the guy go.
Next day cop is in the same spot, and the same pickup drives by, with the bunch of penguins, but this time the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
Cop pulls the guy over again and tells him I thought I told you to take them to the zoo. The guy says yeah, but today we're going to the beach.
Stops the truck and asks the guy if he knows there are a bunch of penguins in the bed of his truck. The guy says yeah I know but I don't know what to do with them.
Cop says to take them to the zoo, and lets the guy go.
Next day cop is in the same spot, and the same pickup drives by, with the bunch of penguins, but this time the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
Cop pulls the guy over again and tells him I thought I told you to take them to the zoo. The guy says yeah, but today we're going to the beach.
This might be a repeat
but....
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired Marine in his early seventies and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He
ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?"
The
girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her
feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never
seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the
retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Marine
replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
there."
but....
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired Marine in his early seventies and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He
ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?"
The
girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her
feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never
seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the
retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Marine
replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
there."
The wife is sure her husband is cheating on her. She writes him a letter saying she has left him and leaves it on the bed. She hears him come home so she crawls under the bed to hide. Her husband sits on the bed and reads the letter. Gets a pen out of the night stand and writes something on it and makes a call on his cell phone. He says "Yeah, the old dingbat finally walked out so we're good to go. Want to meet me somewhere? Okay. Good. See you there.", and he leaves the house. The wife is distraught. She clambers out from under the bed and grabs the note to see what he wrote. He wrote, "You're feet were sticking out from the end of the bed, dummy. I'm going to get some bread".
Before I forget this one:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back ...and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back ...and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
A cyclist got a puncture that he couldn't repair, so he decided to hitch-hike a lift home. A man driving a Ferrari pulled up and offered to tow the cyclist but wouldn't let him put the dirty bike in his car. Since the cyclist was tired and there were no other cars around, he agreed to being towed.
The Ferrari driver tied the bike to his car and then said to the cyclist; "OK, we're ready. If I drive too fast, ring the bell and I'll slow down."
He then set off but at the first set of traffic lights, a Porsche pulled up next to him.The Ferrari Driver instantly forgot about the cyclist tied to his car and started to race the Porsche. As they raced down the road, they went through a speed trap. The policeman with the speed gun radioed the officers further down the road and said; "You've got a Ferrari and a Porsche coming your way at over 100mph."
"100mph?! Isn't that the fastest speed ever recorded on this road?" the officers replied.
"Yeah" said the cop with the speed gun, "But get this. There's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to go past."
The Ferrari driver tied the bike to his car and then said to the cyclist; "OK, we're ready. If I drive too fast, ring the bell and I'll slow down."
He then set off but at the first set of traffic lights, a Porsche pulled up next to him.The Ferrari Driver instantly forgot about the cyclist tied to his car and started to race the Porsche. As they raced down the road, they went through a speed trap. The policeman with the speed gun radioed the officers further down the road and said; "You've got a Ferrari and a Porsche coming your way at over 100mph."
"100mph?! Isn't that the fastest speed ever recorded on this road?" the officers replied.
"Yeah" said the cop with the speed gun, "But get this. There's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to go past."
A cyclist got a puncture that he couldn't repair, so he decided to hitch-hike a lift home. A man driving a Ferrari pulled up and offered to tow the cyclist but wouldn't let him put the dirty bike in his car. Since the cyclist was tired and there were no other cars around, he agreed to being towed.
The Ferrari driver tied the bike to his car and then said to the cyclist; "OK, we're ready. If I drive too fast, ring the bell and I'll slow down."
He then set off but at the first set of traffic lights, a Porsche pulled up next to him.The Ferrari Driver instantly forgot about the cyclist tied to his car and started to race the Porsche. As they raced down the road, they went through a speed trap. The policeman with the speed gun radioed the officers further down the road and said; "You've got a Ferrari and a Porsche coming your way at over 100mph."
"100mph?! Isn't that the fastest speed ever recorded on this road?" the officers replied.
"Yeah" said the cop with the speed gun, "But get this. There's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to go past."
Mobile like, could see that coming but still a good laugh !!
2 nuns were cleaning the church on a hot summer day.
It was so hot that they decided to finish cleaning naked. just as they were finishing up there was a knock on they door. The Nuns asked "who is it?" the person at the door responded "the blind man" the nuns figured what the he!! he can't see us, so they decided to let him in. They didn't realize their mistake until after he finished hanging the blinds.....
It was so hot that they decided to finish cleaning naked. just as they were finishing up there was a knock on they door. The Nuns asked "who is it?" the person at the door responded "the blind man" the nuns figured what the he!! he can't see us, so they decided to let him in. They didn't realize their mistake until after he finished hanging the blinds.....
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an
Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told
to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with
your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a
brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car
garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all
over here" --- and PING-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful
mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a
BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes
instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.
And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING -- The man was
instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt,
and a baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
(THIS IS GOOD -- NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD!!)
The fairy said: "Tough ****, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you
have to fend for yourself."
Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told
to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with
your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a
brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car
garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all
over here" --- and PING-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful
mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a
BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes
instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.
And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING -- The man was
instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt,
and a baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
(THIS IS GOOD -- NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD!!)
The fairy said: "Tough ****, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you
have to fend for yourself."
Four cowboys are sitting at a table in a saloon in the old west. One of the cowboys gets up and walks to the bar. He bets the bartender $10 he can bite his right eye. The bartender agrees. The cowboy takes the glass eye out of the socket and bites it. After putting they glass eye back in the socket he offers to bet the bartender $10 he can bite his left I. The bartender figures he walked up here so he can't have 2 glass eyes and agrees to the bet. The cowboy reaches in his mouth and takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye. They bartender isn't happy. Now the cowboy offers the bartender a chance to win his money back and an additional $30.00. The bet is the bartender put a shot glass at the end of the bar and the cowboy will spit into the shot glass. The bartender estimates the distance to be 12 feet and accepts the bet. The cowboy winds up and spits and it travels 18 inches and lands on the bar. The bartender is happy to win his money back and an additional $30 and is smiling while wiping up the spit. He looks at the cowboy and sees him smiling. He asks the cowboy how he can be happy after losing $30. The cowboy tells the bartender to look at the table where he had been sitting. He tells the bartender he bet the 3 guys at the table $50 each he could spit on the bar and get the bartender to smile while wiping it up.
^ I think there is a similar version of this joke on here but I am not sure so I will repost it.
During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...
... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pees all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting...
..., or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM."
..., or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM."
^ made laugh given what happened to my buddy in October. I stole this and sent it to both he and his wife
A dwarf clarvoiant kills one of his customers and goes on the run. Police say they are looking for a small medium at large.
1401 - 1420 of 4887 Posts
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