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369147 Views 4886 Replies 117 Participants Last post by  MilesR
post your favorite funnies here.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '

I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a golf course on the Sunshine Coast when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my Husband."

The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my Husband."

The third lady takes a good long look and says. " He's not even a member of this club".
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
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Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.

Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky.

Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".
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So, my wife asks me why I carry a gun in the house. So I told her. I looked her straight in the eye and I said "because, Decepticons! She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. Good times!
I didn't feel like typing all this up.


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"Is it in?" asked the man.
"Almost" answered the woman.
"Does it hurt?" asked the man.
"Uh-huh," answered the woman.
"Let me put it in slowly," the man suggested.
"It still hurts," she said.
"Okay," the man said, "let's try a bigger shoe size."
Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front!"
Paddy Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Frenchman applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Frenchman the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

The Manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another??!!"

"Simple”, said the Manager. “On question No. 7, the Frenchman wrote, 'I don't know...'”

“...and you put down, 'Neither do I'."
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This is too true when the HS reunions get into the 40th's.


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I call my Granddad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any special powers, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bath.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says,



FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... "


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Doorbell rings at 3:00AM. Husband rolls over and looks at the clock and says "It's 3:00AM, I'm not getting up." Wife says "It may be someone in trouble", so the husband gets up and answers the door. It's a drunk guy. Husband asks "What do you want"? The drunk guy says "Can you give me a push"? Husband says "NO!", slams the door shut and goes back to bed. After telling his wife about it she berates him and reminds him of the time they had to knock on a strangers door for help one night when their car broke down. Husband gets back out of bed and goes to the door, but the drunk guy isn't there. Husband yells for the drunk guy and asks if he still needs a push. Drunk guy answers "Yeah". Husband asks "Where are you"? Drunk replies, "Over here on the swing".
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh,
dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

...................keep going..........................

...... Wait for it ..........

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur
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Funniest joke I have heard in a long time......thanks for the TGiF laugh
That's hilariously! I read it to my mom, who works at a church, in the hospital this morning. She laughed so hard she woke up my grandma
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