Joke Thread

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.

Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner.


"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky.

Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.


The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".

I didn't feel like typing all this up.

Well this explains a lot.

Paddy Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Frenchman applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Frenchman the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

The Manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another??!!"

"Simple”, said the Manager. “On question No. 7, the Frenchman wrote, 'I don't know...'”

“...and you put down, 'Neither do I'."

This is too true when the HS reunions get into the 40th's.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says,

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"READ MY LIPS!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... "

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"BRING POSSE"

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh,
dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

...................keep going..........................

...... Wait for it ..........

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur

He should have known better.