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369147 Views 4886 Replies 117 Participants Last post by  MilesR
post your favorite funnies here.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Thanks guys, it certainly made me chuckle when i first read it...:D
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic!
I was having a tattoo of an Indian on my back. I told the tattooist to put a tomahawk in his hand. He said he would do that after he had finished his turban.
Subject---out house and cherry tree

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family
still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in
the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse
was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day
he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He
found a large pole and started pushing.

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and
floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I
read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably
wasn't in the cherry tree."
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor hadfailed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on himabout, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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Always do what your wife tells you to do. :p


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I nearly invested money in the Egyptian tourism industry, until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road-kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could say "Truck."
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is this over the line?

I was at a bar one night and one woman, ugly and fat as can be, walked in. She noticed me and came up behind me and smacked my behind.

"Hey buddy, I like old guys, so how about you give me your number?" She said. I turned around to look at her with a pause.

"You got a pen?"

"Sure do."

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farm realizes you're missing."
The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T'shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned
to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what
was that about..."
She replied,
"The egg timer is broken."
What's large, white, friendly one minute, and aggressive the next

A Bi-polar bear
oh yeah?!!!!

The reverse
recently went out on my tranny. Luckily I had a backup plan.
First Woman in Space

"Houston, we have a problem."
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of match sticks, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
New company marketing their latest product...
A landmine, designed to look like a prayer mat...

Phrophets are going through the roof!
My friend went to hospital for an operation too stop his premature ejaculation
I phoned the Hospital,to see how it had gone
The nurse said "it's still touch & go"
Two monkeys getting into a bath. One goes ooo aaa, ooo aaa. The other says, put some cold water in then!
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, Isn't that obvious?

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," the game warden replied, and he left.
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