Joke Thread

A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for ?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the life out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

(Excuse the multiple a$$e$ word; I was too lazy to change them all.)

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again....
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

True Story of Tragedy in Texas



One day a sweet lady from Texas was driving in Austin and saw a man that appeared to be ready to jump to his death off of a bridge. The lady stopped to try and talk the man out of jumping. The conversation went something like this:

Lady - Please don't jump, remember your parents and what this would do to them.

Jumper - I don't have any parent, I am going to jump.

Lady - But remember your wife and children and what this would do to them!

Jumper - I am not married and have no children, I am going to jump.

Lady - Well if nothing else, remember the Alamo and what those brave people went through.

Jumper - What's the Alamo?

Lady - Go ahead and jump you damn yankee, you are holding up traffic.

True story

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.

Some old men can still think fast.

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.

[/IMG]
You have to tell me what you want me to do in three words.

The woman reaches in her purse and pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the gentleman, whispers into his ear "Clean my house".

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern *******.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?" I said, Yea , you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you". Cost me 6 stitches.


Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a really heavy chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

An Irish farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.


In court the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.


“Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, I'm fine?” asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ”Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...”


“I didn't ask for any details”, the solicitor interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'”


Paddy said, ”Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...”


The solicitor interrupted again and said,”Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: ”I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin.' I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.


Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feelin'?”


“Now wot da fock would you say?”