++CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3++
Here's a picture of my coffee I just brewed after a hard day at work, sitting down to relax in quietness....then, I read this and nearly spewed forth via the nostrils! WAY TOO FUNNY!
Joke Thread
post your favorite funnies here.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
1521 - 1540 of 4887 Posts
Here's a picture of my coffee I just brewed after a hard day at work, sitting down to relax in quietness....then, I read this and nearly spewed forth via the nostrils! WAY TOO FUNNY!
A husband and wife are playing golf. The husband hits his tee shot into the woods. The wife hits her tee shot into the rough on the other side of the fairway. The wife is first to locate her golf ball. It is lying in a patch of buttercups. She takes a big swing hitting the ball and destroying the patch of buttercups. In a flash of smoke Mother Nature appears. She tells the woman she is very upset that the woman would destroy something that Mother Nature had worked so hare to create. As punishment the woman would never be able to eat anything with butter. After Mother Nature disappeared the woman called out to her husband asking if he had found his golf ball. He replied it was in a patch of *****willows. The woman yells back "Don't swing, don't swing"!
I was edited by the site. :hate:
senior moment
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued,
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass ???
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued,
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass ???
A husband and wife are playing golf. The husband hits his tee shot into the woods. The wife hits her tee shot into the rough on the other side of the fairway. The wife is first to locate her golf ball. It is lying in a patch of buttercups. She takes a big swing hitting the ball and destroying the patch of buttercups. In a flash of smoke Mother Nature appears. She tells the woman she is very upset that the woman would destroy something that Mother Nature had worked so hare to create. As punishment the woman would never be able to eat anything with butter. After Mother Nature disappeared the woman called out to her husband asking if he had found his golf ball. He replied it was in a patch of *****willows. The woman yells back "Don't swing, don't swing"!
It's actually funnier like thatI was edited by the site. :hate:
ha..ha..ha..ha..ha.. WOW! We think EXACTLY alike.....hmmmmm I've been divorced, how many years now??...I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"
My dad asked me what I was going to do today. I said nothing. He said I thought you did that yesterday. I said I didn't finishe.
A pair of seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff, were flying along Interstate 5. Gertrude says "There sure are a lot of sports car these days". Heathcliff replies "I haven't spotted one yet".
Did you hear about the Siamese twin elephants joined at the trunk? When one sneezed it blew the other's brains out.
could be the worst joke ever....
I used to have two employees in my
whoopee cushion business, but I had to let one go.
I used to have two employees in my
whoopee cushion business, but I had to let one go.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.
But my wife insists it says dyslexia
But my wife insists it says dyslexia
I was doing a crossword:
Period between birth and death (6 letters)
I was about to write my answer in but thought life was too short.
Period between birth and death (6 letters)
I was about to write my answer in but thought life was too short.
Know why you never see elephants hiding in trees ?
Because they are really good at it !
=P
Because they are really good at it !
=P
A husband and wife got into a bad argument, enough that both were determined to not say anything to the other! The dreaded silent treatment!
This went on for days, and soon, the husband was called to take a trip far away that required a plane ride. He needed to get to the airport early, and, not wanting to be the first to break his silence, he left his wife a note on the kitchen table. "Please wake me up at 3am.I must get to the airport before 5am."
3am came, and he was still in bed! 4 came- 5 came . He awoke at 10am! Man! Was he upset that his wife didn't wake him up! He went down to the table, and beside his note was another note from his wife.
"Wake up, it's 3am".
This went on for days, and soon, the husband was called to take a trip far away that required a plane ride. He needed to get to the airport early, and, not wanting to be the first to break his silence, he left his wife a note on the kitchen table. "Please wake me up at 3am.I must get to the airport before 5am."
3am came, and he was still in bed! 4 came- 5 came . He awoke at 10am! Man! Was he upset that his wife didn't wake him up! He went down to the table, and beside his note was another note from his wife.
"Wake up, it's 3am".
If this one has been posted before.....forgive me for not seeing it....
A Priest was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years civilizing a tribe of natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of very heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and to be kind to each other and now, how could you just kill these people in cold blood?
The chief replied: "My bike."
Have a good day, but remember, keep off the roads when you're riding somebody else's bike!
A Priest was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years civilizing a tribe of natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of very heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and to be kind to each other and now, how could you just kill these people in cold blood?
The chief replied: "My bike."
Have a good day, but remember, keep off the roads when you're riding somebody else's bike!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face...
now I'm in Geneva!
Then I saw her face...
now I'm in Geneva!
One of Microsoft’s technicians was drafted and sent to a boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, and the report came from the target area that all the attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled towards the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, and the report came from the target area that all the attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled towards the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
1521 - 1540 of 4887 Posts
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