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369147 Views 4886 Replies 117 Participants Last post by  MilesR
post your favorite funnies here.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up, rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,
“Jim, by any chance, are we having any landscaping done today?”
Today I ran into my best friend Bob at the local watering hole. I was surprised to see him there drinking shots seeing as a never seen him drinking alcohol in his life. Surprised I pulled up a stool along side of him and asked what was up. He told me he was drinking because his wife just ran off with his best friend. I was taken aback by this reply and the only thing I could think of to respond was I thought I was your best friend. Bob replied not anymore he is.
A chicken walks up to a duck standing
at the side of the road and says: "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it."
Y'all know how to keep a moron in suspense?
How.... how... ? you can't just post that and not say... I can't take the suspense !
A clueless husband leaves a note for his wife

'Honey, someone from the Gyna Colleges called, they said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't even know you liked beer.'

and if that wasn't enough

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
go ask your mother

you asked for it

What do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic?
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A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack,
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little' wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help."
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A motorist on his first visit to traffic court grumbled as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his fine. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.

"Keep it," the clerk replied. "When you get four, you get a bicycle."
A motorist on his first visit to traffic court grumbled as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his fine. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.

"Keep it," the clerk replied. "When you get four, you get a bicycle."
Nice :cool:
As requested....the 80 year old lady takes all her medicines for the doctor to check.
Mrs Jones, he says "why do you have birth pills?"
She says "they help me sleep at night".
He says "Mrs Jones, there is nothing in them that can possibly help you sleep".
She says....."every morning I crush one up and put it in my 16 year old grandaughters orange juice......believe me....they help me sleep at night"
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some prat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
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John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation.He decided to ask him one more time.. This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*****g shoes on!
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Gold was found in South Africa, in 1886.
It's been noted that illegal miners are going underground.
Three old ladies...

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher opened his coat in front of them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady would've had a stroke, but her arms were too short.
cowboys and indians?

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding his horse with a dog and a sheep, and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

The Indian looks stunned.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", while pointing at Indian.

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian has a look of disbelief on his face.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Good."

Indian now has extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The Indian now has a look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lying bitch."
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Instructions on a bottle of Vampire Viagra: See a doctor if your reflection lasts more than 4 hours.
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