An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
3 old ladies go to a baseball game. They sneak in a bottle of booze and order some sodas. Having a great old time when they notice they're almost outa booze.
What inning is it and how many men are on base?
Lady wanted some hair remover for her dog. At the store the clerk brought out the strong stuff.
"If you're using this on your legs, don't wear stockings for a day or two."
"No, not for my legs"
"Oh, for your armpits, go sleeveless for 3 days."
"No, it's for my Schnauzer."
"Well then stay off your bicycle for a week!"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex
would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream truck hadn't come along."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying makeup
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ]Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving ______
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch you car on the
news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, you should
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call everyone you know
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the event of rain, you should
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] Prozac
[ ] Zovirax
[ ] Lithium
[ ] Zanax
[ ] Valium
[ ] Zoloft
If none, please explain _______________________________
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week _______
Length of daily commute
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] 3 hours
[ ] 4 hours or more
If stopped by police, you should
[ ] Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
[ ] Try to outrun them and the news helicopters
[ ] Have your video camera ready, provoke an attack, and thus ensure yourself a
A priest decided to do something a little different.*
*He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.** Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to your mind --*
*the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'*
*Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,*
*'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'*
*The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began*
* to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'*
*The pastor said 'POWER.'*
*The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.*
*The Pastor said 'SEX'*
*The congregation fell into total silence.*
* Everyone was in shock. *
*They all nervously began to look around at each other* *afraid to say
*Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing**'MEMORIES.'*
A forum community dedicated to cycling and bike riders and enthusiasts. Come join the discussion about troubleshooting, maintenance, training, trails, racing, reviews, accessories, classifieds, and more!