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369155 Views 4886 Replies 117 Participants Last post by  MilesR
post your favorite funnies here.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute . and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang,bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty
3 old ladies go to a baseball game. They sneak in a bottle of booze and order some sodas. Having a great old time when they notice they're almost outa booze.
What inning is it and how many men are on base?

Bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who point it out.
Lady wanted some hair remover for her dog. At the store the clerk brought out the strong stuff.
"If you're using this on your legs, don't wear stockings for a day or two."
"No, not for my legs"
"Oh, for your armpits, go sleeveless for 3 days."
"No, it's for my Schnauzer."
"Well then stay off your bicycle for a week!"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex
would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream truck hadn't come along."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"


Stage Name:__________________



Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly male ___Formerly Female ___Both

If Female, indicate breast implant size:_______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle? ___No ___Yes

Please list brand of cell phone: ______________________

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain: _________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying makeup
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ]Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving ______

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch you car on the
news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call everyone you know
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] Prozac
[ ] Zovirax
[ ] Lithium
[ ] Zanax
[ ] Valium
[ ] Zoloft
If none, please explain _______________________________

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week _______

Length of daily commute
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] 3 hours
[ ] 4 hours or more

If stopped by police, you should
[ ] Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
[ ] Try to outrun them and the news helicopters
[ ] Have your video camera ready, provoke an attack, and thus ensure yourself a
hefty lawsuit
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Miles. that's priceless! And I'm sure it's available in Spanish as well as 107 other languages............:rolleyes:
At least 107 languages.
Go to the Animal Shelter for a dog, and you're a Saint.

Go to the Women's Shelter for a new girlfriend, and everyone loses their mind.
People say circumcision does NOT hurt...

I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year!

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Wrap empty boxes for presents and when your child misbehaves or doesn't listen, throw one in the fire.
A priest decided to do something a little different.*

*He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.** Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to your mind --*
*the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'*

*Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,*

*The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began*
* to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'*

*The pastor said 'POWER.'*
*The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.*

*The Pastor said 'SEX'*
*The congregation fell into total silence.*

* Everyone was in shock. *
*They all nervously began to look around at each other* *afraid to say

*Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing**'MEMORIES.'*

*Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.*
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A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 super bowl, both box seats. He paid $1,700 each and didn't realize last year when he bought them that this

was going to be on the same day as his wedding...

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Cecilia Church at 3pm.

Her name is Sally, she's about 5'4" , about 115 lbs, good cook...she will be the one in the white dress. Merry Christmas!
Got my wife a new fridge for her Christmas present. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it
1561 - 1580 of 4887 Posts